Figured it would be a time for a two month update. So lets get this show on the road.
I knew that this semester would come with it's good times and it's bad, as do all semesters. So theres been some really high highs and really low lows. I'm immersed in the college student life and in the Messiah life. Busy with academics, president of Concert Choir, jazzsingers, work study, RA, and friends. Concert choir is going to Ireland which is oh, so exciting, and academics keep getting pushed further and further back on the list of priorities. There was a time in my life where the grade was everything, where I would base my self worth on whatever number or letter appeared at the top of a paper or on a report card. And now... I don't. At all. I'd much rather spend my time with people, and doing things with and for them.

So what has been some of the lows of the semester? Some, I'm not allowed to talk about, others have been internal battles. Funny thing-- if youre fighting yourself, part of you is going to have to lose. It's a 'no-way-out' or catch 22 ordeal. Totally me. But a lot of wonderful times have come from wonderful people. People whom I love, but as I mentioned in the previous posting, still make me very tired. It is SO possible for one of your strengths to wear you out. This I've experienced firsthand.

But lots of good has come out of everything, and I'm sure theres more to come. Keepin' faith. Mostly stable friendships which I'm hoping will continue even after college ends. And experiences that have impacted and shaped me for like, ever. I'm pretty sure its a mindset thing. Taking the positives out of every experience and using them to grow. Thats something not everyone can do, which I guess I take for granted. I take for granted the ability to ask questions. It was brought to my attention recently that perhaps people are scared to ask.... really?

Oh my goodness, so we went on staff retreat to Chad Frey's family cabin, way back in September, rode 4 wheelers and got to know each other so much better, and laughed so so so much. As is any time that the Mountain View staff gets together. Laughter is so good. And now Thanksgiving just passed, and that was quality time with family and more laughter.

As Ive said before, a picture is worth a thousand words, so these will have to suffice for my lacking of words at this time.Beautiful mountains, and four wheelers

Junior Concert choir skit at retreat: remix of Single Ladies. October '09



Beautiful concert choir officers at our beautiful retreat day. October '09Part of the Mountain View Staff at Chipoltle. Dress up like a burrito= FREE DINNER! October '09


Thanksgiving '09. The girl grandaughters with Grandma.

Full of Glee.

This is almost funny. Actually, I'm kind of laughing right now. Contrary to whatever conceptions you may or may not have, please be aware that I don't have commitment issues. It seems as though every 2 months brings about the 'reflection time' in me. Alas, I guess here we go again.

Well, instead of 900 smelly soccer and basketball boys invading campus, its instead approximately 2,800 college students, and boy does it feel good... to have everyone back, that is. The whole concept of being a junior, being more than halfway done with my college career is far beyond daunting. And Im not even a senior. After this theres no more asking "what grade are you in, sweetie?". Instead it's "what are you doing with your life?" I know for a fact that Im far too immature to answer this question because I'm not even fully aware of who 'me' is yet. This time in life is, to many, the biggest highlight they'll ever achieve or experience. Here I am, and theres so much potential to go downhill. In many ways, it makes me sad, so I'm not going to think about it.

I'm involved in ResLife again which was a huge highlight of last year, and is again a major priority of life at this time. To say that I absolutely love it would be an understatement. Just to put things into prospective. I have wonderful residents, these girls are so fun and energetic and I love just getting to know them all day by day. I'm excited for what the year has in store, all the activities we'll get to do, living together (in community...thank you, Messiah), conversations to be held, etc. I love this stuff.

So first impressions of this semester. We're about 3 1/2 weeks in. And quite frankly, it's been weird. I was discussing with a dear friend, Sarah Timlin, about what the heck has been going on, and together we came to the scholarly agreement that this semester has just been weird. And it seems as though that is how it's going to progress. There have been so many unexpected twists and turns, scenarios, conversations, and happenings that I was totally not expecting. Not that they're bad things. At least not for me. It's come to my attention that there are a lot of hurting hearts here on Messiah's campus, and quite frankly, thats not ok with me. Lots of people struggling internally, and externally with major life issues and trust me, not just the health care debate. I'm really glad that God has granted me these opportunities to intervene in so many peoples lives, and that He's provided some legit people for me to begin building the relationships with that I've been craving for 2 years now.

I mentioned earlier about my 'major crisis'. It crossed my mind just yesterday again. Music Education. WHAT is THAT? I ask that as dramatically as I possibly can. I mean, I love music, I really and truely do. It is a passion of mine that I will carry with me for the remainder of my life. However, it by no means is a natural ability for me. I have to work really hard for... well, prettymuch everything. But, people come naturally. I like people. I find them fascinating. Watching, listening, observing, and interacting with them is something that I find a lot of enjoyment in. Oh-- one small detail, I'm an introvert. Is it possible for your natural ability to wear you out?

Academically, this semester is awesome. As far as favorite class, Choral Conducting takes the crown. I've always loved conducting. I'm really thankful for Mrs Merkel always forcing us to conduct with her along with any piece we were singing. I mean, it was the basics, but she was always so fun to watch, and I wanted to be like her in every way, hence the music education. But fond memories of senior year Jae and I taking over womens choir while Mrs. Merkel was out for weeks, leading rehearsals, conducting, and working at new music. THATS what I loved. Ok, maybe music ed. is where I'm supposed to be. I'm really good at picking debates with myself, if you havent noticed.
What's also awesome about this semester is that I have credits to spare, meaning that I'm taking 6 credits worth of HDFS courses, Foundations of Marriage and Family, as well as Families in America. Both forcing me to do a lot of thinking about my own family background and experiences, which honestly I dont have the time to even begin unpacking that box. But it's been quite the experience.

Life is full of experiences. These past 3 1/2 weeks have been full of many for me; unexpected and memorable to say the least. "Me" is a work in progress and I think that it's safe to say that perhaps small (and i mean very small) pieces are beginning to fall into place, 'break out of the ground' if you will. Like a plant. I'm terrible with metaphors. (Technically, I think it would be a similie because I used 'like or as'. Why does high school English feel like so long ago...?)





Theres a new love in my life. It's my Nikon D40 (Yea, some of you just got really excited and were thinking 'its about time'. Patience). Pictures are fantastic. So here's some beauties to share. Just giving you some 'snapshots' of my life these past two months, so you can see all the excitement you've been missing. A picture is worth 1,000 words, so I'll let them do the talking.

"Eventually". It helps us practice patience...

In some regards, I consider this a fail blog. But please, by no means associate this fail-ness with my ability to commit to things. Really, I'm a commit-er. More like an over commit-er, and as we all know, there are just those things in life that always end up on the back burner. Try as we might to put them first, or to just get them done and out of the way, they always end up shoved to the back of the line, not unloved, by any means, just not a priority.

The last shall be first and the first shall be last...

That was a longer rant than I expected, all just to explain why I haven't really been keeping up with this. I have a journal to prove that I have been alive and living life over these past {almost} two months. In the meantime though, I've been looking at thousands of other blogs keeping myself occupied. Most of these internet findings are to amuse myself as I sit on the computer for approximately four or more hours a day. I never thought I'd say this... but facebook just gets boring after awhile. And somehow peering into the lives of strangers (only seeing as much as they allow me to see through blogging) is somewhat satisfying and fascinating. It is amazing how creative some people are through writing and how some people are able to do this for a living! I can't even imagine... well, maybe I could. But I'm out of practice.
And then I realize how much of their lives people put on these things and I get weirded out. My life is not a public display piece. So perhaps, subconsciously that's why I've been avoiding this thing.

I make a lot of excuses. Or perhaps their just chains of thought, cause and effect. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Yesterday I experienced more excitement than I have in a very long time. I am the proud new owner of a Nikon D40, my first SLR camera. I've been looking at this purchase for almost 3 months now, so it was a very exciting day, indeed. Now I just need to practice, which I'm sure will be at Erica's graduation party coming up. Just what I need... a new hobby. At least I'll have good photos to prove it.

So Messiah College is currently invaded by about 900 smelly, high-energy, loud, soccer and basketball boys. I swear there is a green cloud hovering above campus, the odor is nauseating, and it's only day one. Lord knows that having them all bathe properly would be nothing short of a miracle. It's even more fun when we all eat in Lottie together at the same time, even better when they all decide to bring their trays up at the same time. Poor dish room dosen't have a chance. My good deed for the day involved cleaning up the trays that were just laying on the floor and on tables, left by impatient kids. I was in the dining hall for 25 minutes, in that time 5 broken plates. Must be a record...

I sit here and phone for 4 or more hours a day. I get to talk to the most awkward, fun, and mean people this country has to offer. I love the admissions office. I could totally work here. Someone remind me again why I am music education? Did I pick my major too soon? Aren't people supposed to have a 'major' crisis during their freshman year?!
I always was a late bloomer.

Song of My Heart

A month ago today was duct tape wars, the ever popular (and one of the few) traditions of Messiah College. A whole month has gone by? Has time always flown that fast? I mean, it was reading day, and Amanda and I laid on my bed for nearly 3 hours just talking, laughing, and re-living some of our favorite moments from the past year. "Par-deeeee". I was frantically finishing my Music History I paper with Sarah and Alicia in the library. The night before my staff and i danced the rain after South Side Bash was rained out, jammin' away, getting soaked to the core, and not having a care in the world. It's the moments like that that will forever be crystal clear in my memory, while everything else may be a blur. I'm trying hard to remember the good moments, the ones that someday will really matter.

These past couple of days have been a little rough due to a spontaneous upper respitory infection that came from no where. Runny nose, hacking cough, and congestion is exactly what I wanted. The doctor said that we're apparently still not out of the 'cold season'. Seriously? It's June. It feels pretty warm to me.
But, I am a very blessed child of God. I'm well aware. And I am very thankful. I haven't been sick this entire academic year--not even a sniffle! (exclude the broken leg). So, I am thankful for this upper respitory infection, for bringing me a wonderful new symptom everyday. How curtious. Thank you.

Weekends at Messiah. Some would call them boring. I have thus far found them absolutely wonderful. Full of sunshine, reading, books, music, piano, and crafts. A good portion of my afternoon was spent in the Mountain View classroom, one of my favorite spots on campus. My music theory IV project involved the writing of a contempory piece. I may have taken it to the extreme, but it was so worth it. My piece was comprised of 8 parts, each part titled after one of my staff members, the music representing them, their personality, and our relationship. At one of our last gatherings I told them about it and told them that I'd be willing to play each of their songs. One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life... dont ask why, its an excruciatingly long story. However, they all seemed to appreciate it. I miss them all an aweful lot, especially recently. I mean, I'm rooming with Becca this summer, but we hardly get to see each other because of our crazy work schedules. I just want to be a group again. To see each and every one of them, give them a hug and see how they really are. It's been 3 long weeks.

Not a piano session goes by when I don't play every one of their songs. (thats like, every other day). All 8 of them. Well, now theres 9. I originally hadn't written a song for myelf because I think that I would have a really biased opinion of my personality, and my own relationship with myself. And plus, I had already gone above and beyond what the project required, why spend more time writing a song about me? lame. Well after I was playing everyones songs, out of nowhere, one just came to me. Never does that happen. And rarely do i write a song unless I have to. I worked it for awhile. But its a song that I just kept playing and playing, and i dont think that I can get sick of it. I realized on my way to dinner that it's my song. My song. God must have given it to me. I know He did. And it's something I'm passionate about, it moves me to tears.

So, thats something im excited about. I know that it's me. I wouldn't have been able to write it a month ago because I've come so far, I was a differnt person. I'm learning who I am. More importantly, I'm learning who I am in God, which is turning out to be a whole lot more than I originally expected. For really, the first time in my life, i'm excited about Him. Don't get me wrong, I still have my lousy days. But reading books that are actually challanging the way I think and put things of life into different perspectives has thus far proven to be beneficial. It's more than a 'summer fling' i hope. It's good.

I need Him. It's about love. And relationships. Thats what life's about. I get it.

Sweatshirt, Pillow, and Dark Chocolate Raisinets...What More Could A Girl Ask For?

So obviously this blog thing has been on the top of my priorities list.
More like, obviously not.

Well, it's refreshing to go back and read all of two things I was thinking about earlier this year. Now, approximately 3 months later I can observe and reflect. Spring semester proved to be one of the most challenging times in my life thus far. Seriously...the whole semester. I'm still not through even half of the challenges that it brought. Still. Which, to some extent is a good thing. I'm aware that it means that I'm 'growing' as a person and that life lessons and things about myself are being learned and brought to the surface. However at the same time I am still a human and my patience and emotions wear thin-- quite often. And emotions... are tiring.

The semester was busy, full of ups and downs, crazy busy times, and even crazier busier times (like you wouldn't believe), times of tears and times of ferocious laughter (sometimes even at the same time). I highly recommend the class "Creative Dramatics" be taken by as many Messiah students as humanly possible. Dr. Ed Cohn did a brilliant job at putting a smile on my face every tuesday and thursday, and has thus far taught me the most about how to teach, and how to do so effectively. Other classes, I wish I could have avoided. To say the least.

I've learned a lot from this semester. I've learned that college is not all about grades. I mean, I knew this beforehand but never before was it so implemented in my mode of thinking. It's about relationships, and it's about discovering who YOU are, and even though that person may not be so stable yet, it's about getting through and recognizing steps of the process that leads to God knows what. I haven't gotten there yet, so how would I know?

And thats another thing... God knows. I don't, but I know that He does. And to be completely honest, that isn't something I've been comfortable with this past semester. Now that summers here and I'm removed from all the craziness thats called "college student", its better... but not really.

I didn't really get to say goodbye to a lot of my friends. Especially those who were graduating. It hasnt really hit that they wont be returning, mainly because I've build this extravagant emotional wall that won't allow me to think about it. Graduation ran late and I had to be in 2 places at once (typical of me) so goodbyes were practically non existant. I think they're hard for everyone. At this point in my life, goodbyes are the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Especially the ones where it's unclear if our paths will ever cross again.

And it's so appropriate that I titled this thing the title that I gave it. Total theme to my semester as a whole as well. Theres been a lot of fog and i've been forced to walk very slowly, not by force, buy my own accord out of my own fear. Too scared to take steps of faith, but instead I'd rather blow away the fog for every single inch of path that I walk instead of just simply stepping.

So as I pop raisinet after rasinet into my mouth and think abot the upcoming summer, I'll keep in mind the past and reflect upon where I've come from and where I (and God) would like me to go. Its a good start. we'll see where it takes me. And maybe next time I won't take 3 months to sort it all out.

Love is not a simple thing

It's been hitting hard at me the past couple of days. It's been floating about my mind while in class, when I probably should be paying attention, especially to the history of the french horn. When you look around, you probably see people. I see them too. But I see more than that. Lots of times I see hurt, and pain masked by smiles and attitudes. And it breaks my heart. Ever cry for a person because you just hurt for them inside?

In our society, we use the phrase 'I love...' an awful lot. I'm aware that there are different kinds of love, but the most difficult and the most rewarding is the agape love. The kind that defies everything else. It's loving people where they're at, not judging or condoning. Being understanding and accepting to the greatest extent that we can. It's about loving regardless. And so many times, there are so many reasons to regard and protect he love that we are capable of giving away. A person may be too annoying, too different from you. Or they may not even like you at all. But so what? They are just as much of a person as I am, and as you are.

It's really hard. To Love as Christ. But it comes in baby steps. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and the day is destined to be miserable. But that would be a choice of mine. I choose this path I walk. My attitude, my trust, and my ability to love are what is going to make it a difficult journey or not.

The start of something new...

Consider this monumental. Like taking the first notes on a fresh sheet of paper, cracking open a journal for the first time, or taking the first spoonful out of a jar of peanut butter. This is a first.

Like a ripple on a sheet of water, like squeezing out paint from the container. You know that white cap is never going to be white again... at least, when I squeeze it. Life is full on monumental moments. We pretty much encounter them everyday. Often times, I think that we see most days as ho-hum with nothing extravagant happening, when really, extravagant things are happening all around us, and nearly every moment. Its about training the eye, and training the heart...something that I'm working on.