Shadow

Language is the beautiful, complex, and intricate gift that we've all acquired throughout our lives. Sometimes if we're lucky we'll become fluent in more than one, maybe even four. There are these simple words, and then by arranging them in proper and meaningful patterns, one can create images, emotions, and stories that can be told for decades and centuries. Some of us are naturally gifted with these things called words. We call it "being articulate" where these beautiful little diamonds and sparkles literally roll off our tongues and flitter throughout the air to tickle and sparkle up the minds of those who cross paths with you. That's nice. Then there are those of us who can do nothing but sputter grains of sand. They mean nothing and are combobbled because of the infinite number of grains of sand that are in existence. No matter how much sand we sputter out, diamonds never appear, there is no twinkle. Sometimes because of the mass quantity it allows us to be noticed. "Woah, look at that dude who is knee-deep in sand." "She's got her own personal sandbox". I've been known for having crazy metaphors, but sometimes I really envision these things coming out of peoples mouths. It's quite entertaining. That's what happens when we put words together.

Then, sometimes there are just words that stand alone and hold power in themselves. Think of the emotions, thoughts, and connotations with each of the following words: 

grace. 

holocaust.

justice. 

death. 

love.

Depending on how your day has gone so far, some of you might already be shedding tears. It can take just one word to spark an emotion, whether that be discontent, sorrow, or joy. I remember just one word that my mom spoke to me that ignited something within. "Cancer".

So my point of being on this little "word-kick" thing is because of what I discovered while I was in China. Being in China for July 2010 was my first time leaving the United States for a significant period of time (not that a month is a significant period of time...but it wasn't a day trip).  Prior to ever leaving the country I had envisioned that the world was so incredibly different from what I had known and experienced for 20 years. I had imagined as if there was this magical barrier along both coastlines of the United States and as soon as your plane crosses through, you immediately become a different person. You become a "wold traveler", who is a totally different person than "lame-US-college-kid". It would be this majestical experience and your skin would tingle and sparkles would fly and maybe Tinkerbell would appear. My imagination bubble was soon popped as I found out that in fact absolutely none of the previously stated things occurred, including the appearance of Tinkerbell. I also realized that there is no 'feeling' that comes with being in another country. I thought it would be an overwhelming feeling that reminded you every second that you were in a foreign land. Not the case.

Throughout {prettymuch} all languages there is this verb "to be". In Spanish, it's "estar", and in other languages...it's something else. "To be" is so incredibly powerful when you really think about all that it entails. Think of the famous "to be or not to be" by...Shakespere? J.K. Rowling?...someone famous. It took me a few weeks to realize that while I was in China, I was still every bit Kayla. Of course, Kayla was learning things everyday and taking in new culture and environments, but the physicality and reality of "Kayla" was just the same. Contrary to my belief of living in a 'parallel universe' I realized that my reality traveled with me where ever I go. This reminds me of an image from J.M. Barry's "Peter Pan", where Peter is so distraught that he has lost his shadow. In reality, a shadow goes with you wherever you go and never leaves you, just as ones reality. Just as memories, experiences, and relationships. This China experience is always going to be incorporated in my shadow. The relationships that I made accross the world, and in my own bubble of Messiah College are going to remain with me as long as there is light to shine upon them. Everything that I have done, everyone who I have met I have incorporated into a part of myself and how I roll. Is it possible for me to leave myself? Ke$ha might actually be on to something when she says "we R who we R". Allow me to modify: "I am who I am", and that is the same person who is here, who is in China, who is in Ireland, who is lost at sea. Way to go Ke$ha, you have ever so slightly redeemed yourself. You have a long way to go.

Interesting. If we are to take the statement "I am who I am" and modify one word, we end up with "I Am that I Am." There's a really famous guy who said that (or girl, depending upon your theology). It's recorded in Exodus 3:14. Changing that one little word can change the entire conversation. Food for thought.

You are always going to be you no matter where you are. Physically, spiritually, mentally.  The 'you' of different times and eras of life may be totally different to some degree, but there is always going to be a foundation that remains the same and composes us of the basics of who we are. This basic foundation that is never exactly clear. Sometimes we live our whole lives with qualities and characteristics we didn't know that we had until our deathbeds. The Great I Am knows how and with what we were created. It's our mission and responsibility how to figure out how to use it.

Miss Liu as Moses

In referencing back to "I Am that I Am", I will leave you with a memory. In our curriculum this past summer, we had particular lessons that incorporated "special guests". These special guests just so happened to correlate with what we were learning about. For instance, Mother Theresa just so happened to show up the day we were learning about India, Pele came the day we learned about Brazil. One of my favorite people of all time showed up one day in my classroom (literally and figuratively). We were learning about Egypt and the wonderful and beautiful history and importance of that country when out of nowhere Moses busted up all in my classroom. I was so surprised and happy to see Moses. In reality, it was really Miss Liu, whom I was still excited to see, however Moses was our very first "special guest" so the kids had absolutely no idea that anyone was coming. Miss Liu and I played up the experience that Moses had walked to LongDe from Egypt and needed to sit down and rest. The kids were so honored and excited to hear Moses's story about parting the Red Sea and "making a difference for the people" (we had to be careful with our language). They had so many questions, and didn't understand the concept of 'slavery', and thought that Miss Liu was so funny with her old voice. With that, I leave you with this challenge. Just like Moses, be a leader in what He calls you to do. For not all are called to be leaders, but all are called to lead by example.

Arise

Teaching in America is different from teaching in China. Teaching music is way different than teaching English. That's not really a strong statement or argument to start a blog post on. I just can't seem to come up with a sentence that would overall connect everything that is running through my mind so I thought I would throw out some obvious facts out into the open.

Student teaching is a time of transition, a time of straddling two worlds, still a student and almost a full fledged adult. Working with and teaching kids who are only four years younger than you. Nothing gets past them. I talk to kids every day, celebrate with them as their acceptance letters to college roll in, as they rehearse endless hours for their musical, and as they look for distractions in class as opposed to working on music theory worksheets.

I had some free time at the piano today, as I had a free period and the choir room all to myself. It was truly a blissful thing. It was as if any composition that had ever sprouted from my fingertips was recanted to fill the choir room, everything just flowed with little thought or hesitation. While in this process a song that I had written my senior year of high school began, and my mind was sent on this train of thought between the similarities and differences between being a senior in high school and a senior in college. I was horrendously troubled about leaving high school. It was so much fun, I had friends and memories and  I loved nearly every aspect about it. I can tell you that leaving college is going to be horrendously troubling as well. Times of transition and change are not my forte (musical pun!). Back in the day (all four years ago) in efforts to deal with all that was occurring I decided to express myself through a healthy outlet of composing and writing song after song. Today I was given a fresh wind of all that had settled.

Ever been moved by your own writing? It sounds really weird to say, but in reflecting upon the insight that I had four years ago, I realized today how moved I was by what I had written. That person was a different person, and yet I was still able to communicate to the me of today. And by no means am I saying this to 'pump myself up' or to say 'woah, I'm such an inspirational person'. Eww...never. I was just moved at the power of words and imagery that specifically radiates with what I'm experiencing at my current stage of life.

For as much as I am loving my current life in the day-to-day, I am (unhealthily) choosing to ignore the major transition that is quickly creeping up on me. A time of transition and making decisions, a time that I am not looking forward to in the least. We all have major places and turning points in life. I wanted to encourage you with the lyrics of the song that I wrote. Today, they provided for me a release and realization. Hopefully you'll be able to take something away from them, or at least temporarily dwell in the emotion of change.

Arise (May'07)

"Remembering yesterday, sadly watch it slip away.
Lost in the Memories of what has been,unsure of whats to come.

A part of me left behind as I replay those memories inside my mind.

Wishing for moments I cant get back as tears stream down.
 

As darkness falls the night prevails.

((chorus))
Im starting over.

Another dawn will soon arise and shine.

A new beginning, I gotta leave all my past behind.

It's time to move on.

Wondering who I will be, will I ever fulfill my destiny?

The past forever a part of my soul,
torn between two worlds.

And now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
May these memories never fade, I pray.
May they calm the night

Gray skies unveil the break of day.

My dreams are ready to ignite.
No turning back,
Pray to God I'll be allright.
No Mistakes,
I'm stronger than before.
Spread my wings and soar.

Im starting over.

Another dawn will soon arise (arise).

A new beginning, new adventures I can't wait to find.

Embracing the memories.

Learn from the past, it's time to move on.
A new beginning, new adventures I can't wait to find.

I'll find my new dawn."

Walking Rocks

I find it interesting that every time I dip into a new blog post, I literally dip into a different mindset. I am well aware that I am behind the times a little as I just finished watching Inception for the first time (ever), and my mind already feels slightly trippy. Where am I now, in reality? It feels almost like a dream, writing these memories, blurring this past that occurred on the other side of the world. How many times has the world revolved, round and round, since that experience? I never was a numbers person...

First shot of Hong Kong

For my last and final semester of college I am student teaching at a nearby high school, a choir of around 200 kids, a couple music theory classes, sectionals, and kids just dying for someone to hear them sing. I'm realizing more and more how some kids have this natural way of 'sticking out' at you, as a teacher. There's a part of me that absolutely can't stand this because my mind so desperately wants to treat every student as equal, all as capable, competent, and well-mannered as the other. Unfortunately, that is not the way that it goes. It is a testament to our individuality and individualism. Odd, because I've always been happy to inform anyone that I am an individual, yet now as I transition to this adult world, there's this part of me that wants everyone to be the same, equality and justice for all. I know that that was not the case this past summer, and I'm even more aware that it is not possible in my current situation. I'll have to unpack that later I guess.

We all live experiences, and all of those experiences have a beginning somewhere. Sometimes we are lucky in that we have no idea how big or meaningful an experience will be before we begin. Therefore, we have limited expectations and just dive right in. Sometimes expectations get in the way and scary things must happen before an experience can be underway. Sometimes that means getting into the car and driving to the airport, sometimes it means facing our emotions and allowing them to be set free. Think about it, getting down on one knee, abort or keep the baby, taking the step onto the actual stage before the congregation. There is always a point of turning back, somewhere. Sometimes we pass that point with ease. Other times we have to stop and deliberate long and hard, mentally battling ourselves to either continue or turn around.

When I think of 'memories' I try to start at the beginning. It's not like I can account for every hour of flight across the Pacific, but I do remember watching "How to Train Your Dragon", and clips of "The Notebook" as I dozed in and out of consciousness. Upon arriving to Hong Kong, we were so very tired. We had an hour bus ride before we made it to the ferry, and we had an hour ferry ride before we made it to our island where we had training. I somehow remember assembling myself across a couple of seats. I also remember clear as day Danielle standing over my face, slapping my cheeks. I looked to see my limbs spread wide, a person gripping each, shaking. Apparently there was slight fear that I was dead. 

I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of stairs at the Great Wall of China. This may come as a shock, but climbing all of them makes one really tired. It's funny because there is a part of me that is like "Kayla, they are just stairs, suck it up." For all I know, that is what you're thinking too. Trust me when I say that it was one of the most physically demanding challenges of my life. I think about this because I recently listened to a song by Caedmon's Call, the lyrics proclaiming "...had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love."Let me tell you that the sight at the top was one of the most gorgeous things I have ever seen. Perspective is a beautiful thing because now when I think about that experience, despite being so tired, the first thing that pops in my mind isn't the thousands of stairs we climbed, it's the glorious big picture, the view from the top. Now, I have come to love that journey and I know that I have been on that journey because He loves me.

Sometimes, it's easy to hate the journey we are on. It can be hard, we can stumble, or even sometimes we may hate it for the fact that we do not feel challenged enough (one could argue that these are the scariest journeys). I'm not quite sure if this is my personal attitude thing, or a humanity thing, but I have come to find that perspective has brought me to love every journey that I have been on. Rocks can cut, inflict pain, and kill, but they also build and support a foundation.

Mary Beth & Danielle "warming up"

In thinking of mountains, the great Liupan Mountain comes to mind. The great Liupan Mountain was merely a half hours drive from LongDe, so of course we were taken to see it. It truely was a beautiful day as our van weaved up this mountain, bend after bend. We arrived to what seemed to be a national park of sorts. We realized that there was a building on the top of this mountain, housing a museum of the important historical role the Liupan Mountain played in Chairman Mao's progression to power (wish I could tell you more, but the entire museum was in Chinese... I saw a lot of pictures though and made up my own stories. They're probably not historically accurate.) Danielle and Mary Beth thought it would be fun to race up the stairs to the top (literally 200 stairs or so). They forgot to take in the altitude factor, so both were exceedingly winded upon arriving to the top. Quite entertaining.

That's our van in the bottom right hand corner!

While touring the museum, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with emotion as I saw pictures of Chinese armies and photos from the Chinese Civil war. Living in America, we've seen photos of war our entire education, by the time fifth grade rolls around we've become numb to the sound of bullets and wasted bodies. Well, this wasn't the case at Liupan Mountain. I was so overwhelmed that so many lives had been lost. I was even more overwhelmed at the concept of "why?" I did not know a single soul in those pictures, they were taken decades before I was even born. At the time, I felt like a crazy over-emotional girl, but now I realize that it's the beauty and humanity within each of us. Realizing that harm was done to some, therefore harm is done to all really struck something within me, a light dizzy feeling and a complex that the mind is unable to comprehend on its own. In some crazy way, I now feel verified that I have a soul.

We stood at the top of Liupan Mountain for a long time, taking in the beauty, and awing the fact that we were actually at the mountain that everyone had been talking to us about. Literally...forty times. We took time for pictures, jumping pictures, team pictures, photoshoot pictures, and we also took some time to sit on some stairs and bust out our rendition of "Lean on Me". That's my memory for today.

Chairman Mao's famous poem, atop the Liupan Mountain.