I did what I told myself I wouldn’t do.
Of course, this is part of being human. How many thousands of people tell themselves that they’re going to lay off the cookies around holiday season, only to realize they’ve gained 10 pounds by New Years? How many people vow never to smoke, and then yet end up doing so anyway? Having expectations for ourselves is part of the human condition. Some people have too many, some people don’t have enough. Either way, we are all guilty of not meeting some of the ones that we set.
I guess in the grand scheme of things, it’s not too bad. It’s not like anyone got hurt. I just haven’t updated this puppy in a long time.
It’s not that I’ve stopped writing. I haven’t. I just haven’t published any of it. It seems too fragile, too cloudy and wispy. Essentially what I’m saying is that there’s no meat to anything that comes forth from my fingers anymore. Living a life where everyday you know that you are making a difference in the peoples lives around you, and coming back and sinking yourself in the isolated, crazy-hopping fastness of the American lifestyle: if makes life feel not as purposeful and thoughts not as…meaty.
I’m in the process of rediscovering the small joys in life, however insignificant they might be. It sounds strange, but I feel like I’ve lost my perspective. That’s like saying “I think I’ve lost my fingerprint” Isn’t a perspective something that is completely and uniquely your own? Well mine is missing. It used to be kinda quirky, somewhat insightful, and usually childlike in nature. Upon re-entry to life in the states, I feel like someone has hot-glued on some “grown-up goggles” to my face (no, no, no, not beer goggles…those are different).
Bills, rent, weekly grocery shopping, meal planning, two part-time jobs, full time grad school, exercise, general wellness?!?! what is this life?
Maybe they’ll crack.
Maybe I’ll sweat enough for the hot glue to lose its stickiness.
Or maybe someone or something will come along and just rip them off my face.
