big picture

I am a lover of metaphors. I love pictures. Thinking in pictures, motion pictures, drawing pictures, photography. I believe that one of the greatest inventions ever "created" are those puzzles where every piece has a different picture on it, but when you put the whole thing together it creates a totally different picture. It is a process called photomosaics and it creates a big picture.

Sometimes, it's really fun for me to think about creation. Yea, to some degree of the "creation" and Garden of Eden stuff, but also about the creation of life, and the incorporation of the 6.2 billion lives that are currently being lived right now. I love thinking about time as a patchwork quilt...without the patches. You see, God has this beautiful quilt goin' on, and by now it's probably the size of a million football fields, also known as Russia. Sometimes, I envision God taking a day off and just sitting down in a rocking chair to just work on this quilt, to sew on a variety of colors, patch people, animals and stuff, and on this quilt the lives of the billions who are currently living on this earth. Adam and Eve? Oh yea, they're on there too, but they're somewhere by the Bering Sea (God started on the east coast of Russia.) Somehow, everyone's lives are intertwined and those who cross paths on the quilt cross paths in life. Sweet deal right? The thing that makes me really exited is that when we die, we get to actually see the quilt...oh, and God too.

I'm not trying to be sacrilegious. Sometimes having pictures or metaphors can speak to people on a different level. An image can be carried around with someone for the rest of their life, while a challenging lecture cannot. Just saying. And some people might have real issues with me incorporating one of our humanly tasks of 'sewing' and placing God into a box of our humanness. And yet others might have the dilemma of me incorporating such a 'womanly' task of sewing and using it to describe something God would do. That could make for some good debate points.

If you have no qualms with my metaphor, thanks for goin' with the flow.

I now find myself student-teaching in an elementary setting, surrounded all day by fifth graders, armed with a variety of instruments, attempting to blow out my ears. So far, the clarinets are winning. It pains me to say this, but thirteen years ago, I was in the same seat that they sit in only I was in a far less technologically advanced school. Some of our lessons were held in a closet, literally, with brooms and the whole nine yards (I am on a football kick today, aren't I?). These kids use a program called SmartMusic for their lessons, each of which I lead on a SmartBoard. Those of you who have been out of the education realm for awhile, I suggest you go Google that one.

Anyways...I sit through lesson after lesson watching different kids struggle with the same concepts, lesson after lesson. What note is that? Whats a half note? How do you finger a 'C' on the flute? For as annoying as it may seem to some, I am actually finding it to be quite the lesson to myself, a lesson of how we all struggle and only progress through baby steps day after day. With that perspective, it's hard to find them obnoxious. Especially because they're so gosh darn cute. After all this time that has passed, I cannot even recall the daily struggles that occured throughout my music career, or even life in general. How did I learn how to write? Or read? I know that they were both a bear, but I only know that because my mom has told me. I cannot actually recall the everyday frustrations of crossing my T's. (Although, somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear my mom saying "she makes her i's like lollipops, Bill, can you help her out?") I know that now my fingers fly as I type this on a keyboard, but heavens knows that at one point they were painfuly slow. Do I recall every step of that learning process? No way. Funny thing is, I can't even remember the beginning of that process when the task at hand couldn't be completed.

Being surrounded by kids all day can take your brain into limbo. On one level you relate to them, laugh with them. Life is simple, talking about anything and everything, commenting on the newest clothing that kids wear (some of it is actually really cool). Then, every once and awhile your mind has a whiplash and all of a sudden you're analyzing humanity, childhood and mankind, critiquing progress, learning, and the educational process of the kid.

I don't know if it can be proven, but there is a wise old saying that "an elephant never forgets". Although we have no proof of this {to my knowledge, I am anything but a scientist} it's slightly intimidating that a massive animal such as the elephant has an advantage over me physically and mentally. I have forgotten a lot of things, I have forgotten a lot of childhood. It seems that no matter how hard I try, there are always things that slip my mind, and others that I beg to leave that have certainly overstayed their welcome. I have tried time after time to keep a "laughing journal", when in one place all of your memories of laughter are compiled. Who wouldn't want to have a bank of their happiest memories? My idea never seems to work, or it works for about two weeks before life takes over again {is that a sign that I laugh too much?}. Then there are the visions of others being hurt, times when I've failed, or miserable memories that involve boys, family, friends, embarrassment, that won't go away. For as discouraging as that may be... well, I'm sitting here trying to think of a positive way to complete that thought, but I just can't. At least not at this current stage of life. Give me another week to reflect on it.

The point of this was to be about how we trap ourselves in the everyday cycle of life. There's this desperate need for routine in our daily life, and yet the thing that we need is the thing that can kill us. And although we may experience little pains by the day, when looking at the big picture, how much of it is really going to be remembered? It's times like these when I like to think about the quilt. Is God really going to sew on that test that I bombed in Music History? Or is every single one of my involvements in my over-scheduled life going to make it on there somewhere? Definitely not. But I am confident that my path will cross with thousands, perhaps even millions, and it makes me ever more excited to "get up there" to see and trace the lives of all those who crossed mine. It's the beauty of humanity, peeps. {what? it's springtime}

i told you so

"You are what you eat", how many times have we all heard that? There is a new concept swimming about my mind today, and that is the concept of "we are what we teach". I'm in the middle of student-teaching and trying to encompass being a teacher in all that I do. Every living moment is a learning moment for someone, whether that be for me or the person that I am encountering. Even in the times of bliss with merely hanging out with others or in a social group, you are constantly taking in information about those around you, their reactions and personalities. We, being lazy peoples, often don't apply all that we have learned, or recall quickly enough that some are sensitive to certain topics or have experienced certain things. Therefore people get hurt. That's a whole different posting.

I think that one of the joys that I am finding as a teacher is the glimpse of childhood, and the glimpses of humanity that I get on a daily basis. I'm aware that as long as one has a job interacting with people, they are interacting with humanity, but students bring a different aspect of humanity than the adult world. Take time to just observe the world around you. Then, go back for an additional 5 minutes and observe the world around you as a ten year old. You see completely different worlds, don't you? I find it a privilege to get to immerse myself in a variety of worlds on an everyday basis. It's even more of a privilege to get to accompany some others between various worlds, as you watch them go from children to teens, from teens to young adults, and all the development that happens along the way. It's not something that can be captured on a canvas, through words... it has to be an experience.

In my previous posting, I spent a chunk of time talking about a particular woman who is very important to me, and who does amazing things for this world. She is my private voice teacher, a professor who I have studied with for 4 years now. She teaches many private lessons and very few classes, but one class that I have had the opportunity to take with her was entitled "Vocal Pedagogy", a class in which you learn how to teach voice. For this class we each had our own private student. Some were more memorable than others, but we would each come to class telling outrageous stories of the things that happened in our own private voice lessons. My particular student is what my mother would refer to as "a piece of work". She was your common middle school athletic chick who was like many her age, over committed and too cool for anything. *note: name has been changed due to privacy, and also because I enjoy making up fictional names.

Nikki June*: my pride, my joy, and (sometimes) biggest pain. I say that with love. I was forewarned that my student would have limited musical background, and I also knew that she was busy with other things. As I think of all there is to reflect upon, I can do nothing but smile as I think about the journey that teaching Nikki took me on. Making initial contact is part of the process, but I knew from the beginning that I was going to have a handful when I heard Nikki in the background say “I don’t want to sing ‘old-people’ stuff.” In fact, perhaps this posting will just be memorable quotes by Nikki. Or perhaps, using Nikki for segues. So that being said, segue #1…

Not wanting to sing ‘old-people’ stuff. Although at the time it made me a nervous wreck, it now makes me chuckle. I was so worried about pleasing this girl and keeping her engaged. I realized that in teaching, it all depends on how you sell it to the kids, and they’ll (sometimes) go with you. High school kids, not so much. They will just look at you and think you're crazy. Luckily for me, I'm completely at ease with them thinking that I am crazy. It's one of those "accept and move on" things and low and behold, you still get things done. Middle school is a fun age because you can usually get them to go along with whatever you're doing if you present your information in the correct way. Nikki’s attitude toward the old stuff sent me on a train of thought. I began to wonder at what point I’ll stop being the ‘cool-crazy-hip-young-chick’ and turn into the “experienced woman”, as far as teaching is concerned.

Segue #2

“Well, just to get to know your voice, can I have you sing this pattern?”

“How?”

“Well, you just sing it.

“How do I do that?”…

 ‘How’ is a really difficult question, particularly when it comes to singing, because hardly any of the mechanical processes can be seen on the outside. ‘How’ is also a difficult question when it comes to teaching. How does one continue to make the learning process interesting, keep it fresh, keep a student motivated, etc. How is a very important question. Thanks, Nikki.

The teaching process is a lot more natural than I thought that it would be. Yes preparation is required prior to each lesson, but there were very few, if any, times that I feel stuck or ‘unable’ to do my job. That’s a positive feeling. An even bigger benefit of this was that I had fun in the process. Teaching is fun, Nikki was fun, high school choir is the bomb, and no matter what teaching situation I find myself in, it is always possible to have some sort of laughter and craziness incorporated.

Segue #3

“Did you get to look at this song?”

“Yea, I learned both of ‘em”

“You learned both?”

“Girl, what-chew think I’ve been doin’, sittin’ on my butt all week?”

Sometimes, students will surprise us, and sometimes kids say the darndest things. Nikki kept me on my toes and I felt like I had to have every scenario prepared for, and ready to teach anything at hand due to her persistent and never-ending questions and resistance. Am I upset and bitter about this? Absolutely not. My experiences observing fellow teachers didn’t occur until after my final lesson with Nikki. I observed other teachers asking only once for a student to try something, with compliant students. Well, my name is Kayla and it just so happens that I like a challenge. I am so thankful for the complexities of Nikki. I felt like I was better prepared for the ‘real world’. Commonly, I’m a lover, not a fighter; I learned and experienced first hand to expect the unexpected, and learned how to fight back for the sake of the student, with a little love thrown in.
Teaching is not for those who are lazy. There is no room for laziness when being a role model and in being a life-long learner. I’ve also found that teaching has taught me to be young at heart again. I take on the job of putting myself in the mindset of my students, feeling and agonizing over their struggles, and returning to my reality with the knowledge that I have to fix/address and educate them toward the goal.

Segue #4

“We’re not gunna do ‘Someday’? That song is really pretty and I can sing it.”

There is a serious back-story to the quote above. You see, after hearing for weeks that the song was too hard, that the head voice wasn’t pretty,  that Celtic Woman was old, and that she couldn’t do it, the final minute of the final lesson shed a whole new light on the teaching experience. Nikki, the stubborn-willed student, finally complied to see things my way. A slight taste of glory. Glory because yes, she could sing it, and no it was not too difficult for her. I'm not going to say "I told you so", but I'll just mildly gloat on the inside due to the victory that occurred in my favor. Perhaps another time she’ll find the motivation to learn it on her own. So for that,  I would like to extend a ‘thank you’ to Nikki for the foundational stories of my teaching career.

Being that I am going back to China, I can guarantee that there will be plenty more to come. In the meantime (between now and then) there will hopefully be more stories and more insights through times of transition and "growing up".

all growed up

So many cool things happen when you're a grown up. You get to stay up late, you can drive, and do cool things like reach the ice cream in the freezer without standing on your tippy toes. Your hands are big enough to actually shuffle a deck of cards without flinging them all over the place. When you're an adult you can wear whatever you want, get a job and have money to buy whatever you want, and you can tell other people what to do. Grown ups are so cool.

There are some things that are clearly visible. Over time you can visibly see your fingernails growing, your roots coming in, or your feet enlarging as your body sprouts upward (or outward). These are all physical things that you can see happen rapidly, even over night! It's not often you hear someone proclaiming "wow, I can see that you've really grown up this past week." I mean, really? How do you see someone grow up?

Sure, our faces change, we get to be bigger people than when we were five, but it is not like "growing up" is a badge to be put on display. It's not a skill that can be practiced for hours. It just happens when it happens. It's something that takes place internally, happening sometimes even when we think it's not. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that force us to change our ways, attitudes, and perspectives, and we then "grow up" through the changes and adjustments that we make to ourselves. Despite life's urges and (sometimes) nasty little schemes, growing up is still a choice, a choice that many are too scared to make.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Is this not a question that we ask every child in our society? Asking them this question provides them a chance to dream, to be who ever they want. It is not very often that an adult will respond negatively to a child's response. Truly if the child wants to be an astronaut who is the adult to deny or crush the dreams? It's funny how as a child you are never content in your childhood. Actually, it's really sad. Society pushes each child to 'grow up' faster, loading on stress factors, tests, extracurricular activities, all in pursuit to be the most "well-rounded" child. Not to mention the family dilemmas and social issues that can have a lifelong effect on a child. As adults the mentality and sensitivity of a child is often forgotten. Calloused and burdened, adults lay on expectations, mentalities and attitudes onto children, stifling them from the innocence and purity they were created to have.

So much of our childhood goes by without us realizing what we have. It is human nature, to rarely be content with where we are. We're kids, we want to grow up. We grow up, we want our childhood back. My past summer experience taught me how to re-embrace my childhood in a way that I never had before. Not only was I working with kids all day long, but there was a sense of freedom in being whoever I wanted to be. I experienced a joy and delight that I had never been able to attain in a normal every-day grown-up life. What's with that?! I made a challenge to myself that I would strive to embrace my childhood more in my everyday life. You can too!

I have been thinking a lot about "growing up" recently because of the crossroads that is soon to come. There was a time when people in college seemed to be in another planet. The idea of me ever being in college was so far away because I could never imagine myself as that old person. Old people go to college. Now I'm a person who is leaving college. I am a person who is going to start a life unscripted, who is going to live abroad for a year.  What does that make me? I would love to go back in time and interview myself and see just what I would say. What would the seven-year-old version of me say if I told myself that I was going to China? If I majored in music-education? If I did all the things that I've done?

I can tell you this: I had most definitely throughout all of my life set my expectations too low for who I can and will be.

In relation to this I had the opportunity to teach private voice lessons last semester. Our "final" for the class was to merely write a reflection paper about the class and our experience in teaching... that would be a fun student to blog about some time. Regardless of the adventures I had with my voice student, I reflected heavily upon my concern for change. Of course, over time my style of teaching and teaching abilities are going to change (and hopefully improve), but I raised the question of "at what point will I stop being the 'cool-and-hip teacher' and turn into the 'that-old-teacher-lady'?" My brilliant professor Ms. Elaine Henderson answered with this: "You never have to reach that point. Look at me."

And by gum, she is absolutely right. We're talking about the woman who joined us on an excursion to see Harry Potter VII, who spent class time telling us how to make moonshine, and who allowed our final exam to take place at Panera.

To society I tell you this, I think that Peter Pan had it right when he proclaimed "I won't grow up" (I'm currently reading it right now, thus all the references). There is always going to be an inner child in me that will always be sure to peek its way out. I am a stubborn person, and the child child within me is just as stubborn. She's gunna be around for as long as I am. In fact, I'm pretty sure the girl in this picture is me when I was a kid...