Raising Helen

I am currently in a series of posts that involve children I know. Children that, I believe, have the world deserve to know their story. The world deserves to know who they are, because the world would be changed by them. These are students in China, currently 16 and 17 years old. Students who have never left the mountain range in which they live. Children who have dreams and passionate hearts, just like the rest of us.

Helen is the student that I wish to highlight this time around. She wasn't the brightest student in the classroom, in fact her face was most often a rosy shade of pink because she frequently blushed when speaking English. I was even hesitant to call on her for the embarrassment she would seem to display (I got over that real quickly though. I soon found myself having the most fun embarrassing the quiet students). Helen was meek and mild, and not the most popular amongst her peers, Helen holds a special place for me. Helen was a passionate student, and passion was something that wasn't in the eyes of every student.She was a very lovable person and expressed love openly.

It is in Chinese culture to be very touchy with those of your same gender. Walking down the street holding hands or giving piggy back rides is very common among students. Touching is a sign of friendship. This is something that we were prepped about before arriving. I had come to my second week and found myself slightly discouraged that my students hadn't yet been comfortable in giving me a hug, or holding my hand. Helen was the first to "break the spell". I found myself engaged in a conversation with her, and before I knew it, both of my hands were clutched in hers and passion and excitement bubbled out of her eyes. From that point on, Helen was my hugger, most often attached at my hip, and looking at me with love in her eyes.

Perhaps one of my favorite days teaching was the day we taught about South Africa. Our curriculum was beautiful in that every day we focused on a different country and learned about customs, language and focused on "Our World: United". South Africa just so happens to be a country that I am also passionate about, so I took the opportunity to teach my students a song from the country, entitled Njalo. Little did I know that this song would soon be a favorite among my Chinese students, and we would find ourselves singing it as we walked across the courtyard, or as we walked to lunch. Helen was entranced by singing in class, and always an active participant for whatever crazy Miss Kayla was doing. During our day on South Africa, I saw it inevitable to teach about apartheid. Although this was not a part of the curriculum, I took some time to explain apartheid to my students. They were completely clueless in regards to this part of the nations history, many of them appalled that a nation would have such segregation and hatred. And, although they couldn't express themselves in English, it was clear by the looks on their faces that they had learned, and that they were impacted.



We spent another day discussing the nation of India and focused on the abundant population of poor people that are in that country. We had a "special guest" visit our room, and the students were able to meet Mother Theresa in person (aka, Miss Stephanie). During this lesson day we also had the opportunity to discuss what goals and ambitions were, and what our students wanted to be when they 'grew up'. I distinctly remember Helen rising to share with tears in her eyes, saying that when she grows up she is going to travel to India to help the poor people, just like Mother Theresa. Throughout the course of our China adventure, she would remind me of the poor people of India, and all the help that is needed there.  This touched my heart hard core, knowing that these students themselves were all poverty stricken- yet they refused to see themselves that way. Instead some had a desire to help those who were in worse conditions than their own. That is compassion, and that is love, and that is something you don't see everyday.

I was able to pull a sample of Helen's writing to share. Being the collector that I am I have various stacks of memories from my past summer. Somewhere there are writing samples that I took the first day of camp, and I wish so terribly that I could find them. I wish that I could demonstrate the improvement that this summer camp provided for these students. Nonetheless, the following is a reflection done by Helen about her favorite memory of Summer Camp.

"Time goes by. I'm very happy during these days. I have learned a lot. So I'm grateful to all of you. I very like Miss Kayla's class and listening she sing songs. I love Miss Bennett's games. especially during the classes when we were tired. I like all dances Miss Bennett, Miss Stephanie, Miss Liu, and Miss Jane, and Miss Kayla taught us.I love all kinds of activities you taught us. I also like the American birthday and we learn lot of about it. If we had enough time, I wanted to stay with you all the time. Finally thank you for teaching us a lot. I best wishes you. Happy every day and all the best. I love all of you.

-Helen."


I hope with all my heart that I one day will turn on the CBS Evening news to find Helen in India, to find her helping others. I hope and pray that she follows her heart and loves the world with all the passion that's bundled up inside her.

-康女

Oh, Jaime...

Yesterday was supposed to be an ordinary day. That didn't end up happening because I awoke to find an email in my inbox. Now, please  be aware that I receive emails every day, however I received one from 风中烟云. I am well aware that hardly anyone I know is literate in Chinese, to many these look like just a bunch of "Chinese stuff". I learned very quickly that these Chinese characters are the name of one of my most beloved students, Jaime. 

Growing up I was never a fan of "teachers pet" or having favorites in a classroom (even though on several occasions I was one of them ;)) . However, this summer having a classroom of my own, I realized that it is nearly impossible to not have a favorite or two... or five. There are just particular students that you are naturally drawn to as an educator. Jaime was most definitely a favorite. Perhaps I'll take a blog post to dedicate towards each one of my faves from this summer. The world should know their story. Jaime is something special.

Jaime, Jaime, Jaime, where to even begin. Jaime is a poor farm boy. His parents are farmers in a small town outside the small city to LongDe. He lives at LongDe #1 Middle School and takes the bus home on weekends. He lives away from his family and is the oldest of two. (The one-child rule is not as strongly in effect in the countryside of China. The term 'countryside' would be an understatement in describing where we were). Because Jaime lives at the school we had the occasion to eat lunch with him and a few other students who stayed at the schools cafeteria for lunch. He was always eating rice, his nose always dripping because of its ridiculous spice. He would tell me his dreams of becoming a soldier for his country when he grows up. He would look me in the eyes and say "I want to be a man of honest." 

Oh, Jaime's eyes. Our team would have nicknames for various students as we discussed them every other hour of the day. We would refer to Jaime as "Jaime with the sparkling eyes". Not that there was another Jaime to distinguish him from, but Jaime's eyes just sparkled in this way...it would be a disgrace to not credit them in his title. I would get lost in Jaime's eyes (not that I sat there and stared at him all day) but he was one of very few male students who would actually look me in the eye, as I was A.) a female, and B.) a teacher in a higher status than them. Jaime had a tender spirit, he was quiet and not attention seeking, yet he was a leader, and I could see it in my classroom. He was nearly always the first one done with any assignment, and his puppy eyes would follow me around the room as I checked his classmates work. When I would arrive at his desk, he would gleam and hand me his work, so proud to show me what he had done. Although there were plenty of mistakes, he was most often correct or had the general gist of what was correct.

Jaime, like all the other boys, had a love for anything sports, and a knack for messin' around, the same way teenage boys do here in America. Our final day, us teachers wanted to celebrate so we brought three cakes to our final day of class. It is Chinese custom not to eat the cake, but to wear it. As teachers, we weren't thinking ahead and 5 of us verses 80 students turned out to be...messy. In my pursuit of my students, I was blindsided by a handful of frosting in the face by non other than, Jaime. He was so proud that he was able to get me and made faces at me the rest of the day, the same way a younger brother would tease an older sister.

One of our class projects was to make a banner of all the things that we had learned during English Camp. The kids were instructed to use one piece of paper, and only use one side so we could turn it into a collage. How many sheets did Jaime use? Two. Did he write on both sides? Yes. Did he stay on task? No. But at the end of the day, he approaced me, a beaming smile and sparkling eyes "Miss Kayla, I make this for you." Two pieces of construction paper were loosely taped together. On one side, two hearts overlapping, like a venn diagram. One labeled, China, the other, USA. Written below, "I learn English, I learn how to appreciate another culture." On the back, a letter addressed specifically to me:

"Dear Miss Kayla,

I'm very happy to attend summer camp and I'm very happy to meet you! To be honest. 

You are a great teacher. I'm proud of you! especially your personality. Although. the time is not long. 

Also, you are friendly to us. from you careful teach. i learned many. 
I realized multiculture all over the world. 

and i learned many English skills that how to study English.

I think you will be leave us in the days but I'll never forget the time that we get along with. 

and I hope you can give you email for me we can talk each other in the future.

That's all. Thank you!

-Jaime"

This was one of the 'smile moments' we teachers shared in our office. Everyday after class we as a group would take about a half hour to gloat about our students and share the hilarious and heartwarming things that occurred in our classrooms. Jaime would continually tell me how proud he was of me. I don't think it quite sunk in that I was the one who was so proud of him.

One of our last days we had some free time in the building. I walked into the classroom to find Jaime and some fellow boys having fun on the chalkboard, writing Chinese characters. Upon requesting that I possibly learn one or two the boys immediately flocked to my learning aid.  We were having fun "you very quick, very good", and they very much were enjoying the chance to 'teach teacher.' One boy (not a student of mine) then asked what my Chinese name was. I informed them that I had no Chinese name. At this, their eyes bulged and they immidiately begain babbling in Chinese, fingers pointing at different parts of me, fits of laughter, head nods and drawings on the chalkboard. I said "Jaime, what is going on?" "We give you name. We want it to be for you." They progressed to give me the name kang ni  (康女). Kang means health, and ni is a common name given to a girl. "Health, for your energy and personality that is special," said Jaime.

Our final afternoon at LongDe #1 involved a lot of tears, a lot of hugs, and an hour long photoshoot with all the officials and half of the city. In the craziness of the paparazzi, gathering our things and exchange of gifts (note--gifts are HUGE in China) I lost the opportunity to say a final goodbye to some of my students. As we walked the long way back to our hotel, I silently noted to myself that Jaime was one of these students. It became something I was silently torn up about as we ate a final dinner with the school officials. Several courses, dice games, and cigarettes later, the school officials decided that we were tired and had to head back to our hotel (yes, I said that right--its the way things work in China, ask me about it sometime). Us teachers, walking down the street were taking in all of the maddness and beauty that was around us. We talked about how we didnt want to leave, our highlights of the day and whatnot. We were interrupted by a distant "Miss Kayla...". It came from accross the street. It was dark outside, anyone could have said it. I stopped to turn, and who was running towards me but Jaime. Through all the moments in China, this was one of my biggest God-moments.  He was allowing me to say my final goodbye. Jaime and I hugged on the street. And we said our goodbye. And we both walked away with misty, sparkling eyes.

I don't know why I fell so in love with Jaime, but I hope to keep his memory and spirit alive in who I am, in the stories I share. I have no doubt that he will grow up to be an honest man.

-康女

where are you christmas...

Have you ever been stuck in a thought? Stuck in a mindset that continues to remind you every other minute of a particular thing or concept? I think that it is safe to say that this has happened to most people, the human mind is a complexity that I can merely pretend to know about. It's one of those things that we'll never know every detail about, and therefore 'tis fun to simply imagine truths about it, just because no one can really prove them wrong.

Perhaps it is six months later that I am debriefing my China experience. Perhaps it is six months later that I am actually allowing it to change me the way that I know it has. I am a native of Rochester, New York. Yes, quite the snow country. Home of many people, home of Kodak, Susan B. Anthony, and the more modern day famous tidbit we take ownership for is the eastern coast phenomenon, "Wegmans." Now, if you have never been to a Wegmans allow me to inform you. It is a grocery store on crack. I grew up with Wegmans, it has always been down the street since I can remember. Little did I know that so many others did not live the life of which I took for granted.

When I arrived at college all the talk was of the newly opened Wegmans a few towns over. Luckily for me, it wasn't too far to get a taste of home. It was at one point during my sophomore year (oh my, 2 years ago) that I went to church alone. Being the introvert that I am and my peculiar means of entertainment, I decided to just take a drive after church. A nice Sunday drive, that's what they did decades ago. Of course I ended up getting myself lost at various points, yet I was always able to find a familiar road. Well, before I decided to call it quits I happened to drive past the newly built Wegmans. I decided to stop in and was unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion. I stood in line at the sub shop (ps-sidenote- a sub from Wegmans will change your life, you'll despise every Subway you look at for the mere shame it brings itself). At this sub shop I was invisibly struck with memories of myself and my family, much much younger squeezing and screaming, driving the woman behind the counter mad as we tried to order 5 subs at once. We had to order fast so that we could make it home in time for the Steelers game...that may or may not have been on TV due to the 3 channels we received, and for Rochester's proximity to the Buffalo Bills...nonetheless it was always a gamble whether or not we would actually get to watch the Steelers, but it still was a thrill every week.

While standing in line I was moved to tears. And for some odd reason I pulled out my phone and called my dad. I stepped out of line for fear of causing a scene. People in line would think that I had a severe reaction to the horseradish. My dad, always ecstatic to answer the phone joined in my emotion as I just stood before the sub shop, hustle and bustle around me, but in my own little world.

I recant this because today I had a similar experience in Wegmans. A similar experience in that I was experiencing memories and moved to tears. I was thinking of the orange lady on the corner in China, who we would buy our oranges and apples from. Only twice. Our ice cream lady, whom we would visit every day after school, and reward our teaching with Chinese ice cream, one kuai apiece. She was floored that foreigners would purchase her ice cream. Language barrier, yes, but we were able to connect with this woman, and we were ever so grateful for her ice cream...and such a variety!

Today, I was moved to tears because I was tormented. I was so overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, seeing mountains upon mountains of tomatoes, lettuce, pineapples, and so many isles of box, after can, after package of stuff that will be thrown away. So that we for a day can stuff our faces a little bit more than usual and praise God for how blessed we are. I was thinking about how excited a starving child would be to have just one of the bagels that was sitting in the basket, or just one of the cheesesticks in the package of 24. I was so overwhelmed with how much consumption was going on around me I began to get dizzy and see stars. And then my eyes got hot, and my face became wet. This is what happens when thoughts recount over and over inside your mind. The question I ask myself is, 'what am I going to do about it?'

So I ask and challenge you this holiday season to think of our festivities a little bit differently. To a homeless child, Christmas is just another day to survive, another day to find food. There's nothing special about it. To me, knowing that someone out there must feel and experience that, makes me feel and experience that too.

"We have enough for everyone's need, but never enough for everyone's greed."--Gandhi


Team LongDe 1 with our "Ice Cream Lady".

China or Genetics

Every day, we are bombarded with questions. We are bombarded with information. People like me tend to replay these questions over and over again internally, searching for an answer that is ambiguous. Of course, I know that I will never reach the answer, but that doesn't stop me from trying. We live in a society of "try everything", "do everything" and "be successful". But replaying these questions is more than just about finding answers to have an answer. It's about finding an answer that will help me discover who I am created to be, and by Whom I was created by.

This past summer I had a life changing experience in the poverty stricken city of LongDe, China. I taught English to a classroom of 20 high school aged Chinese students, none of whom had ever met a white person before in their life. As a team, we taught them songs, games, and childhood, as childhood is stripped away in Chinese society by the ever-pressing rigorous academics of the College Entrance Exam. Upon arriving we were talked to about the importance of these exams, and how students would be receiving their scores within the next few days. The suicide rate would be dramatically increasing while we were there. I envisioned in my head hundreds, thousands of Chinese students, years younger than I, taking their own life because of a score. Because a score deemed them not good enough for success. Because of the shame a score can bring to them, and their families.

At first it was easy to compartmentalize. What happened on that side of the world can stay on that side of the world, but that experience changed me, and that could not be contained for long. My issue was getting it out, having an outlet, having people around me who were willing to simply listen. Processing never happened, and people never came. But who I am still lives inside and is still forever changed, forever consumed with a love, passion, and concern for the hurting, the innocent, and the helpless.

I find coming back to this webpage which I have ignored for months completely spiritually hilarious in some regards. I say this because it's kind of like a prophesy as to what this summer has taught me and to who I am growing to be. Yes, I do indeed love people very much, and through months and months of difficulty, spiritual wrestling, questioning, and personal doubts and fights, lots has truely come together. The path that I walk is truely straight and narrow. I believe that as followers of Chirst, we are all called to this path. A very few take it, and that saddens me. We've lost the picture, the vision of what it means to be like Christ, and instead we fill our lives with traditions and acts, and half-hearted prayers that disillusion us into being followers of Christ. To truely love the poor, we must know the poor. We must attempt for some type of understanding and community that is beyond putting money in a basket. China is heavy on my heart.

So I ask, is family made up of who you are genetically related to, or those who share your heart? In China, I felt closer to many than I have ever felt before, even though I have spent years of life with those whom I call 'family'. Oh China, what am I to do with you?



Where do I belong? Where do I belong? Where do I belong? Where do I belong?

Figured it would be a time for a two month update. So lets get this show on the road.
I knew that this semester would come with it's good times and it's bad, as do all semesters. So theres been some really high highs and really low lows. I'm immersed in the college student life and in the Messiah life. Busy with academics, president of Concert Choir, jazzsingers, work study, RA, and friends. Concert choir is going to Ireland which is oh, so exciting, and academics keep getting pushed further and further back on the list of priorities. There was a time in my life where the grade was everything, where I would base my self worth on whatever number or letter appeared at the top of a paper or on a report card. And now... I don't. At all. I'd much rather spend my time with people, and doing things with and for them.

So what has been some of the lows of the semester? Some, I'm not allowed to talk about, others have been internal battles. Funny thing-- if youre fighting yourself, part of you is going to have to lose. It's a 'no-way-out' or catch 22 ordeal. Totally me. But a lot of wonderful times have come from wonderful people. People whom I love, but as I mentioned in the previous posting, still make me very tired. It is SO possible for one of your strengths to wear you out. This I've experienced firsthand.

But lots of good has come out of everything, and I'm sure theres more to come. Keepin' faith. Mostly stable friendships which I'm hoping will continue even after college ends. And experiences that have impacted and shaped me for like, ever. I'm pretty sure its a mindset thing. Taking the positives out of every experience and using them to grow. Thats something not everyone can do, which I guess I take for granted. I take for granted the ability to ask questions. It was brought to my attention recently that perhaps people are scared to ask.... really?

Oh my goodness, so we went on staff retreat to Chad Frey's family cabin, way back in September, rode 4 wheelers and got to know each other so much better, and laughed so so so much. As is any time that the Mountain View staff gets together. Laughter is so good. And now Thanksgiving just passed, and that was quality time with family and more laughter.

As Ive said before, a picture is worth a thousand words, so these will have to suffice for my lacking of words at this time.Beautiful mountains, and four wheelers

Junior Concert choir skit at retreat: remix of Single Ladies. October '09



Beautiful concert choir officers at our beautiful retreat day. October '09Part of the Mountain View Staff at Chipoltle. Dress up like a burrito= FREE DINNER! October '09


Thanksgiving '09. The girl grandaughters with Grandma.

Full of Glee.

This is almost funny. Actually, I'm kind of laughing right now. Contrary to whatever conceptions you may or may not have, please be aware that I don't have commitment issues. It seems as though every 2 months brings about the 'reflection time' in me. Alas, I guess here we go again.

Well, instead of 900 smelly soccer and basketball boys invading campus, its instead approximately 2,800 college students, and boy does it feel good... to have everyone back, that is. The whole concept of being a junior, being more than halfway done with my college career is far beyond daunting. And Im not even a senior. After this theres no more asking "what grade are you in, sweetie?". Instead it's "what are you doing with your life?" I know for a fact that Im far too immature to answer this question because I'm not even fully aware of who 'me' is yet. This time in life is, to many, the biggest highlight they'll ever achieve or experience. Here I am, and theres so much potential to go downhill. In many ways, it makes me sad, so I'm not going to think about it.

I'm involved in ResLife again which was a huge highlight of last year, and is again a major priority of life at this time. To say that I absolutely love it would be an understatement. Just to put things into prospective. I have wonderful residents, these girls are so fun and energetic and I love just getting to know them all day by day. I'm excited for what the year has in store, all the activities we'll get to do, living together (in community...thank you, Messiah), conversations to be held, etc. I love this stuff.

So first impressions of this semester. We're about 3 1/2 weeks in. And quite frankly, it's been weird. I was discussing with a dear friend, Sarah Timlin, about what the heck has been going on, and together we came to the scholarly agreement that this semester has just been weird. And it seems as though that is how it's going to progress. There have been so many unexpected twists and turns, scenarios, conversations, and happenings that I was totally not expecting. Not that they're bad things. At least not for me. It's come to my attention that there are a lot of hurting hearts here on Messiah's campus, and quite frankly, thats not ok with me. Lots of people struggling internally, and externally with major life issues and trust me, not just the health care debate. I'm really glad that God has granted me these opportunities to intervene in so many peoples lives, and that He's provided some legit people for me to begin building the relationships with that I've been craving for 2 years now.

I mentioned earlier about my 'major crisis'. It crossed my mind just yesterday again. Music Education. WHAT is THAT? I ask that as dramatically as I possibly can. I mean, I love music, I really and truely do. It is a passion of mine that I will carry with me for the remainder of my life. However, it by no means is a natural ability for me. I have to work really hard for... well, prettymuch everything. But, people come naturally. I like people. I find them fascinating. Watching, listening, observing, and interacting with them is something that I find a lot of enjoyment in. Oh-- one small detail, I'm an introvert. Is it possible for your natural ability to wear you out?

Academically, this semester is awesome. As far as favorite class, Choral Conducting takes the crown. I've always loved conducting. I'm really thankful for Mrs Merkel always forcing us to conduct with her along with any piece we were singing. I mean, it was the basics, but she was always so fun to watch, and I wanted to be like her in every way, hence the music education. But fond memories of senior year Jae and I taking over womens choir while Mrs. Merkel was out for weeks, leading rehearsals, conducting, and working at new music. THATS what I loved. Ok, maybe music ed. is where I'm supposed to be. I'm really good at picking debates with myself, if you havent noticed.
What's also awesome about this semester is that I have credits to spare, meaning that I'm taking 6 credits worth of HDFS courses, Foundations of Marriage and Family, as well as Families in America. Both forcing me to do a lot of thinking about my own family background and experiences, which honestly I dont have the time to even begin unpacking that box. But it's been quite the experience.

Life is full of experiences. These past 3 1/2 weeks have been full of many for me; unexpected and memorable to say the least. "Me" is a work in progress and I think that it's safe to say that perhaps small (and i mean very small) pieces are beginning to fall into place, 'break out of the ground' if you will. Like a plant. I'm terrible with metaphors. (Technically, I think it would be a similie because I used 'like or as'. Why does high school English feel like so long ago...?)





Theres a new love in my life. It's my Nikon D40 (Yea, some of you just got really excited and were thinking 'its about time'. Patience). Pictures are fantastic. So here's some beauties to share. Just giving you some 'snapshots' of my life these past two months, so you can see all the excitement you've been missing. A picture is worth 1,000 words, so I'll let them do the talking.